G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra 2009

Michael Phillips, Chicago Tribune: [Director] Sommers did the first two chaotic Mummy remakes; those play like Tender Mercies compared to this one. Read more

Tom Huddleston, Time Out: Coming on the heels of such DOA fare as X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Terminator Salvation, this gung ho popcorn flick feels positively visceral. Read more

Tasha Robinson, AV Club: It's a strong rival for Star Trek among the summer's most purely exciting action films. Read more

Ty Burr, Boston Globe: G.I. Joe is a loud but proficient slab of explode-o-rama summer blockbuster nonsense, perfectly entertaining if you like that sort of thing, extremely skippable if you don't. Read more

Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times: Basically, the Joes are not bad, it's just that they could have been much better with a little less conversation, a little more action. Read more

Cliff Doerksen, Chicago Reader: Loud, shiny, and critic-proof, this franchise launcher is basically Transformers minus the humanity. Read more

Chris Nashawaty, Entertainment Weekly: Don't go expecting an escapist night at the movies; go expecting to be cudgeled into numb, drooling submission. Read more

Rene Rodriguez, Miami Herald: It's just stupid and inept, which are not uncommon traits at the tail end of the summer movie season. Read more

Rafer Guzman, Newsday: It's enjoyable enough while it's speeding along. Like the Joes themselves, the movie succeeds by simply crashing headfirst through every obstacle. Read more

Ramin Setoodeh, Newsweek: G.I. Joe is like watching fireworks with a blindfold on: it's deafening and you feel under attack. Read more

Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger: A movie that's more sci-fi than semper fi -- and possibly the most proudly mindless epic of the year. Read more

Joe Neumaier, New York Daily News: Sure, big dumb fun can be big dumb fun, but Sommers goes beyond the "more is more" modus operandi and launches into "too much is never enough" territory. Read more

Kyle Smith, New York Post: Formerly a real American hero, G.I. Joe is no longer a hero (it's a team) or American (it's a multinational unit of military superstars, though the way they do business you'd rather have the Croatian navy on your side). As for real, well... Read more

Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel: It's dumb. It's digital. It's derivative. This Joe, scripted at a toy-selling TV-cartoon level, is a non-stop shoot-em-up edited to induce seizures. Read more

David Hiltbrand, Philadelphia Inquirer: OK, it's seriously deficient in plot or acting. But in this genre, those two ingredients are as superfluous as canoes in a desert. Read more

James Berardinelli, ReelViews: There's an expectation that the audience will be invested in the relationship between Duke and Ana, but the poor writing and lack of chemistry between the principals fails to sell the romance as anything more substantial than a weak plot element. Read more

Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times: It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence. Read more

Peter Travers, Rolling Stone: I could load you up with more plot details, but this mercilessly incoherent, galactically stupid movie left me too numb to type. Read more

Peter Hartlaub, San Francisco Chronicle: Compared to other big-budget movies out this summer, it's pretty mediocre. But as a movie that no one thought would be any good because it's based on an action figure that isn't even a foot tall any more, it wildly succeeds. Read more

Stephen Cole, Globe and Mail: The new G.I. Joe movie cost $175-million (U.S.) to make and is as cluttered as a nine-year-old's bedroom. Read more

Peter Howell, Toronto Star: It is possible that never before in the annals of cinema has so much destruction been depicted on screen to so little purpose, unless you count brain or ear damage. Read more

Richard Corliss, TIME Magazine: The only collateral damage is in the audience, where, as you sit through the movie, you can feel your IQ drop minute by minute. Read more

Tom Huddlestone, Time Out: 'GI Joe' is big, dumb, loud and utterly relentless: basically, everything you could ever want from a summer blockbuster. Read more

Christopher Orr, The New Republic: Sometimes, a film defies conventional narrative and artistic standards so utterly that it seems unfair to judge it by them.... Consider this a tone poem in 40 scraps of dialogue. Read more

Richard Kuipers, Variety: Playing more like a highlights reel from an established franchise than a movie intended to launch it, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra interrupts its barrage of CGI action for only the barest minimum of anything resembling character development. Read more

Chuck Wilson, Village Voice: After a first hour that plays like a bad TV show, Sommers hits his groove with an over-the-top Paris chase sequence that, in turn, leads to an underwater finale that's absurdly overproduced, momentarily diverting, and then instantly forgettable. Read more

Dan Kois, Washington Post: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is as polished and entertaining as war-mongering toy commercials get. Read more